I posted it. I feel like you will be satisfied
I haven’t gotten around to editing it. So…it’s like…a rough draft.
I originally wanted it to end a lot darker…I guess that’s the only reason why I am not satisfied. (That, and the fact that I haven’t edited it)
Understood. I can’t say that it’s a very satisfying ending. I’m very happy that you have the darkness as a hero, but at the end we’re left suspended like a rock partway through a fall. I like that she’s scared, but I wish the Lone Survivor could do something more. Here’s my thought. She doesn’t look like a monster. She looks ordinary, she even keeps a regular work schedule, which makes her extraordinary and slightly more disturbing as a monster. Normal monsters live in the dark, in the case of vampires light literally burns them, trolls turn to stone at sunrise. She’s the opposite. She can only exist in the light. I can’t say I’m sure what exposure to darkness would do to her, but I want to see her streetlight flicker, and I want to see the fear in her eyes when it happens.
Like I said…part 4 needs work. The survivor has become bloodthirsty…for only her blood. Even if he hurts her…doesn’t that make him just as bad as her?
He’s torn. I need to rework part 4 all together. But you get where I’m getting at.
I honestly never thought about what if her streetlight flickers…
I might take that thought and run with it lol
I appreciate the criticism.
Let me know if I’m completely off base here. It would also explain her annoyance that her driver likes to arrive after dark.
Glad to help in any way I can. I hope it turns out exceptional.
*whiny voice* Does the survivor have to be bloodthirsty?
You’re not off base. You’re right on target. I was trying to find the right mentality for part 4, and you have pushed me in the right direction!! I am appreciative!! Truly!
Her and the monster are opposites. She physically cannot be in the dark…it’ll drive her insane…knowing that she’s vulnerable. He can’t be seen in the light, as he is utterly horrifying.
What did he do to deserve being her slave? That’s a question that’ll probably never be answered
He wants her dead. He wants to stop her from hurting other kids. But…if he kills her…he thinks he’ll be just as bad. He hungers for her death. It…drives him…
I don’t think it really needs to be answered. How does the plaster of a bedroom wall keep a monster at bay? In every story you have to make some assumptions, but in this case the assumptions work well, because people feel that a bedroom is sacred and because people know that debts must be paid regardless of how you feel about the person you are paying the debt back to.
Ordinary is evil. And monsters are the heroes. Tiny is brave.
What does that make revenge?
The Lady is ordinary on the outside, but…scary as all literal heck!!
The Monster is regretting his past, and trying to change his present so his future is…better.
The Child is scared, yet somehow knows that if he stays in his bedroom, he will be safe. That’s a lot braver than me!
The Survivor is only seeking revenge. His mind is twisted from years of torture, and his mind tells him that murdering her is justified. Yet deep down, he knows it’s wrong.
Portraying all of that isn’t easy. I think I did an OK job on all except the Survivor….I will work on it, I promise
It’s not the plaster…the bedroom is dark. Idk about yall, but there is always a light downstairs that stays on, typically, in my house. Yet, upstairs (besides a few dim nightlights), it’s dark.
As someone scared of the dark, I can tell you, I wouldn’t go near it…if I was as scared as the Lady
I like that. As for the survivor, perhaps he should try exploring other hobbies. If he’s living like that, killing her will only make him feel empty and conflicted. Killing her to save others certainly wouldn’t make him just as bad as she was. It would be destroying an embodiment of evil and it would be just. Perhaps he could find a way to prevent her from harming people without killing her. Killing her to satisfy his own craving for revenge, on the other hand, would make him just as bad as her killing people to satisfy her own cravings. It is the same action in both cases, but his motivation changes everything. If he can’t kill her impartially, he should find someone else who would do it for the right reasons.
P.S. I don’t generally don’t endorse any form of murder, stories are an exception.
P.P.S I should have checked before posting. I wrote don’t twice in the last postscript.
I wrote up a…rough rough draft. I am willing to share it. It’s…better maybe?
Sounds good. Judging by the fact that it’s eleven here, you might want to get some sleep soon.
I’m having a high school musical marathon and I’m off tomorrow. I’ll be ok.
I posted it…again…I’m not sure how I feel about it.
The first 3 parts were so easy to write…but this…I don’t understand why it’s so hard.
But I don’t intend to tell you what to do with either your story or your sleep schedule.
Hsm 3 is almost over.
(And I don’t own hsm 4, so…we are gonna pretend it don’t exist for the time being)
Hsm 3 is over. Goodnight, manalive (if you are still up) (I’ll read whatever is posted about part 4 in the morning)
To #7562, I wasn’t aware that it did exist. The new draft is loads better. I’m still holding out hope that the final draft will have a happy ending, but the survivor has much more personality in this version. The way you captured their combination of guilt and relief was good, we actually got a sense of their history. Now I’m feeling conflicted. Why did you have to get all specific about knives and abdomens? I think for the purposes of this story she is evil and she needs to be killed, but in reality all life is sacred, and that makes it hard.
I love horror movies. Knives and abdomens just go together lol jk
I will use that as the rough draft. And edit it when it’s not…130am
Have you thought about…what if she’s not even living? What if she’s not human.
…nothing like going to bed at 2 and waking up at 7 because your brain said so
Fyi, I don’t have Google, so I can’t access Google Docs.
I would add to this, but I don’t know what else to say. That story gave me chills and I really enjoyed it! It makes me wish I could write that well. I had to leave last night, and I didn’t get to say goodnight. But I’m back now, although it looks like no one else is
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